Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
