Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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