just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
