Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
