I think I died a long time ago.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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