First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
