btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
