I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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