Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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