Where are you?
In a non slutty way
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
