Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
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I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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