i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
