People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
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i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
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Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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