so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
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all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
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You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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