i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
