U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Randomize
