You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just forgot I was standing up.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
