Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
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did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
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I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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