I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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