Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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