I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
