The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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