so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
