hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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