Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i think i have herpe
just one?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
