I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
