my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
