I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
