I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
