Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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