I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
