I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
