I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
