No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
