Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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