3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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