WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
