My friends, they love my intelligence
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
