well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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