I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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