Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
