I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
