New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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