I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
