this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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