I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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