at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
