You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
