So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
