One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
