Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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