hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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