if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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