Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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