i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
