he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
