have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
