I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
