which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
